{"id":16765,"date":"2023-09-03T14:50:43","date_gmt":"2023-09-03T18:50:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/internetaddictsanonymous.org\/?page_id=16765"},"modified":"2023-09-03T14:50:45","modified_gmt":"2023-09-03T18:50:45","slug":"fereastra-deschisa","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/internetaddictsanonymous.org\/ro\/recovery-stories\/open-window\/","title":{"rendered":"Fereastr\u0103 deschis\u0103"},"content":{"rendered":"

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C\u00e2nd aveam cinci ani, singurul televizor din casa noastr\u0103 era \u00een dormitorul mamei mele, \u00een capul sc\u0103rilor. \u00cen timp ce m\u0103 uitam, m\u0103 apropiam din ce \u00een ce mai mult, astfel \u00eenc\u00e2t ecranul \u00eemi umplea progresiv tot mai mult c\u00e2mpul vizual. Uneori, \u00eemi lipeam fa\u021ba de geam \u0219i l\u0103sam culorile s\u0103-mi inunde ochii, \u00een timp ce \u00eemi \u00eentorceam \u00eencet fruntea \u00eenainte \u0219i \u00eenapoi pentru a sim\u021bi furnic\u0103turile statice de pe piele \u0219i a gusta electricitatea acr\u0103 din din\u021bi. Sim\u021beam o senza\u021bie profund\u0103 \u0219i hipnotic\u0103 de calm \u00een aceste momente, iar pieptul mi se umplea de o amor\u021beal\u0103 pl\u0103cut de rece. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nu aveam cum s\u0103 \u0219tiu atunci, dar aceast\u0103 senza\u021bie avea s\u0103 devin\u0103 una dintre tr\u0103s\u0103turile definitorii ale vie\u021bii mele. A devenit cea mai mare tovar\u0103\u0219\u0103 \u0219i surs\u0103 de refugiu a mea, p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd s-a \u021besut at\u00e2t de str\u00e2ns \u00een fiin\u021ba mea \u00eenc\u00e2t aproape m-a ucis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vederea ecranelor m\u0103 umplea de o bucurie secret\u0103 pe care p\u0103rea c\u0103 numai eu o puteam recunoa\u0219te, ca \u0219i cum ar fi fost dincolo \u0219i \u00een afara lumii - o lic\u0103rire de magie. Internetul a ap\u0103rut c\u00e2nd aveam zece ani \u0219i cur\u00e2nd a\u0219teptam p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd to\u021bi ceilal\u021bi adormeau ca s\u0103 m\u0103 pot strecura jos s\u0103 m\u0103 joc \u0219i s\u0103 m\u0103 uit la videoclipuri pe calculatorul familiei p\u00e2n\u0103 diminea\u021ba devreme. T\u00e2r\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 \u00eenapoi \u00een pat chiar \u00eenainte de zori, m\u0103 pl\u00e2ngeam de o durere teribil\u0103 de stomac c\u00e2nd mama venea s\u0103 m\u0103 trezeasc\u0103 \u0219i lipseam de at\u00e2tea zile de \u0219coal\u0103 \u00eenc\u00e2t aproape c\u0103 a trebuit s\u0103 repet clasa a \u0219aptea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pe m\u0103sur\u0103 ce am crescut, a devenit din ce \u00een ce mai obi\u0219nuit ca \u00eentreaga zi s\u0103 dispar\u0103 \u00een ecran, cu pauze ocazionale, pline de panic\u0103, pentru studiu. Reu\u0219eam s\u0103 m\u0103 descurc la ore preg\u0103tindu-m\u0103 \u00een ultimul moment, consol\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 cu g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 eram superior \u0219colii. \u00cen unele momente de con\u0219tientizare de sine tulbure, m\u0103 \u00eentrebam de ce, dac\u0103 sim\u021beam c\u0103 eram superior \u0219colii, alegeam s\u0103-mi petrec timpul suplimentar nu cu activit\u0103\u021bi mai satisf\u0103c\u0103toare, ci cu un flux nesf\u00e2r\u0219it de videoclipuri \u0219i jocuri inutile. Am alungat aceste g\u00e2nduri.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ace\u0219tia au fost ani de singur\u0103tate \u0219i melancolie. M\u0103 sim\u021beam ca \u0219i cum a\u0219 fi fost de o parte a ferestrei, iar via\u021ba era de cealalt\u0103: vizibil\u0103, dar inaccesibil\u0103. G\u00e2ndul c\u0103 ace\u0219tia trebuiau s\u0103 fie unii dintre cei mai importan\u021bi ani din via\u021ba mea m\u0103 umplea de o mare triste\u021be. Zilele mele treceau \u00een momentele dintre privirile f\u0103cute la ceasul din dreapta sus al ecranului. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am avut norocul s\u0103 fiu admis la universitatea mea preferat\u0103, unde puteam studia ceea ce m\u0103 pasiona cel mai mult, unde \u00een cur\u00e2nd m-am trezit mai serios ca niciodat\u0103. \u00cen zilele dinaintea primei runde de examene finale, am intrat \u00eentr-o criz\u0103 teribil\u0103 \u00een care nu am dormit trei nop\u021bi consecutive. Am ajuns cu patru ore \u00eent\u00e2rziere \u0219i delirant la prezentarea final\u0103, apoi m-am sim\u021bit indignat c\u00e2nd profesorul meu aproape c\u0103 m-a picat. Ce conta dac\u0103 \u00eent\u00e2rziam? Reu\u0219isem o prezentare spectaculoas\u0103 \u00een ultimele patru ore. Problema, m-am g\u00e2ndit, era c\u0103 profesorul meu avea ceva \u00een spate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Din p\u0103cate, eu am fost cea care a avut-o \u00een spate. \u00cen anii urm\u0103tori, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 ac\u021bionez dup\u0103 un tipar aproape mecanic, \u00een care am c\u0103zut \u00een excese intense, de zile \u00eentregi, \u00een cele mai proaste momente posibile. Chiar \u00eenainte de termene limit\u0103 importante, \u00eent\u00e2lniri sociale \u0219i c\u0103l\u0103torii, \u00eemi spuneam c\u0103 \u00eemi pot relaxa nervii cu o scurt\u0103 pauz\u0103 online de zece minute. Zece minute se transformau \u00een treizeci, care se transformau \u00eentr-o or\u0103, apoi dou\u0103 ore, apoi patru \u0219i apoi toat\u0103 noaptea. M\u0103 cufundam \u00eentr-un v\u00e2rtej ame\u021bitor de jocuri, videoclipuri, emisiuni TV, filme, re\u021bele sociale, pornografie, cercet\u0103ri online, cump\u0103r\u0103turi, meme-uri, forumuri, podcasturi, articole despre s\u0103n\u0103tate, \u0219tiri \u0219i orice \u00eemi prindea m\u00e2na. C\u00e2nd influen\u021ba unei activit\u0103\u021bi asupra mea \u00eencepea s\u0103 scad\u0103, treceam la alta pentru a m\u0103 men\u021bine \u00een mi\u0219care. \u00cemi tot spuneam c\u0103 m\u0103 voi opri dup\u0103 urm\u0103torul videoclip, urm\u0103torul articol, urm\u0103torul joc, dar, bine\u00een\u021beles, p\u00e2n\u0103 atunci se prezentase un nou set de posibilit\u0103\u021bi, a\u0219a c\u0103 era rezonabil s\u0103 prelungesc pu\u021bin mai mult. P\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd cerul a \u00eenceput s\u0103 se \u00eencenu\u0219easc\u0103 \u0219i p\u0103s\u0103rile au \u00eenceput s\u0103 c\u00e2nte, le\u0219inam pe laptop, prea obosit ca s\u0103-mi mi\u0219c m\u00e2inile sau s\u0103-mi \u021bin ochii deschi\u0219i, intr\u00e2nd \u0219i pierz\u00e2ndu-mi cuno\u0219tin\u021ba \u00een timp ce ultimele mi\u0219c\u0103ri \u0219i sunete se repetau pe ecran. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

C\u00e2teva ore mai t\u00e2rziu, m\u0103 trezeam \u00eentr-un amestec puternic de soare puternic \u0219i ru\u0219ine insuportabil\u0103. Mintea \u00eemi era \u00eence\u021bo\u0219at\u0103, iar emo\u021biile \u00eemi erau moarte. \u0218tiam c\u0103 trebuia s\u0103 m\u0103 descurc mai bine ast\u0103zi - \u0219i c\u0103 erau at\u00e2t de multe de f\u0103cut. Dar dup\u0103 o lung\u0103 perioad\u0103 \u00een care am stat \u00eentins \u00eentr-o suferin\u021b\u0103 paralizat\u0103, m\u0103 g\u00e2ndeam c\u0103 poate vizionarea unui singur videoclip m-ar ajuta s\u0103 m\u0103 trezesc. A\u0219a \u00eencepea un alt potop nesf\u00e2r\u0219it, p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd o \u00eent\u00e2lnire iminent\u0103 \u00eemi st\u00e2rnea dispre\u021bul de sine \u0219i frica p\u00e2n\u0103 la un punct de rupere \u0219i reu\u0219eam s\u0103 m\u0103 scot din amor\u021beal\u0103 cu un val de amenin\u021b\u0103ri violente, cer\u00e2ndu-mi s\u0103 nu mai fac niciodat\u0103, niciodat\u0103, niciodat\u0103 asta. Uneori reu\u0219eam s\u0103 trec c\u00e2teva s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 cedez. La fel de des, m\u0103 retr\u0103geam \u00een aceea\u0219i uitare \u00eentunecat\u0103 \u00een c\u00e2teva zile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

De fiecare dat\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eencepeam s\u0103 consum, sim\u021beam c\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenf\u0103\u0219uram \u00eentr-o p\u0103tur\u0103 mare. Experimentam o senza\u021bie indescriptibil\u0103 de confort \u0219i siguran\u021b\u0103, ca \u0219i cum a\u0219 fi fost un copil \u021binut \u00een bra\u021bele mamei mele. Ceea ce \u00eemi doream cel mai mult era s\u0103 dispar, s\u0103 devin invizibil, ca timpul s\u0103 se opreasc\u0103. Pentru c\u00e2teva ore sau zile, lumea devenea nemi\u0219cat\u0103, corpul meu amor\u021bea, iar eu puteam sim\u021bi pace. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dar pacea mea nu a durat niciodat\u0103 mult, iar un curent tot mai mare de durere se l\u0103rgea \u00een mine. Deveneam mai capabil \u0219i mai matur \u00een toate celelalte aspecte ale vie\u021bii mele, dar \u00een acest domeniu pierdeam progresiv orice control. De ce nu puteam s\u0103 m\u0103 opresc din a viziona videoclipuri online f\u0103r\u0103 sens? Nu-mi mai puteam explica comportamentul sus\u021bin\u00e2nd c\u0103 sunt superior \u0219colii - studiam ceea ce m\u0103 pasiona cel mai mult. Autosabotajul meu devenise acum un mister cu adev\u0103rat lipsit de sens. M\u0103 sim\u021beam incredibil de jenat c\u0103, \u00een ciuda eforturilor mele, via\u021ba mea disp\u0103rea \u00een golul pe care \u00eel purtam \u00een buzunar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am reu\u0219it s\u0103-mi ascund bine problema \u0219i s\u0103 adun suficient\u0103 munc\u0103 pentru a ob\u021bine o distinc\u021bie academic\u0103, iar \u00eentr-o var\u0103 am primit o burs\u0103 pentru a urma un proiect independent \u00eentr-un ora\u0219 mare - o oportunitate incredibil\u0103 la care visasem \u00eenc\u0103 din copil\u0103rie. Cu toate acestea, dup\u0103 c\u00e2teva s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni de var\u0103, m-am aflat \u00eentr-o situa\u021bie derutant\u0103. St\u0103team pe podeaua dur\u0103, din lemn, a unui apartament mic, f\u0103r\u0103 mobil\u0103, cu excep\u021bia unei saltele, a unui singur cear\u0219af prost plasat \u0219i a unui aparat de aer condi\u021bionat folosit pe care nu apucasem s\u0103-l instalez, \u00een ciuda valului de c\u0103ldur\u0103 ap\u0103s\u0103tor. Pungi sub\u021biri de plastic de la magazine z\u0103ceau \u00eempr\u0103\u0219tiate \u00een jurul meu, pline cu recipiente goale de \u00eenghe\u021bat\u0103 \u0219i ambalaje de m\u00e2ncare nes\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103. St\u0103team l\u00e2ng\u0103 peretele pe care \u00eel \u00eemp\u0103r\u021beam cu un vecin care se oferise s\u0103 m\u0103 lase s\u0103 folosesc internetul lor p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eemi voi configura propriul serviciu, iar corpul m\u0103 durea pentru c\u0103 st\u0103tusem acolo \u00eencontinuu \u00een ultimele zece ore. Aplecat peste telefon, m\u0103 uitam la sute \u0219i sute de videoclipuri pe care nu le g\u0103seam nici pe departe interesante sau pl\u0103cute. \u00cen primele ore ale dimine\u021bii, cople\u0219it\u0103 de durerea fizic\u0103 \u0219i epuizarea mental\u0103, m-am implorat \u00een g\u00e2nd: \u201cTe rog, opre\u0219te-te. Te rog, opre\u0219te-te acum. Pur \u0219i simplu opre\u0219te-te.\u201d \u00cempotriva voin\u021bei mele \u00eencordate, m\u00e2inile mele se mi\u0219cau cu via\u021b\u0103 proprie pentru a da clic pe urm\u0103torul videoclip, \u00een timp ce priveam neputincios, sim\u021bindu-m\u0103 ca un prizonier \u00een spatele ochilor. Timp de \u00eenc\u0103 \u0219ase minute \u0219i jum\u0103tate aveam s\u0103 uit c\u0103 nu vreau s\u0103 fac asta. Apoi, un alt val de epuizare \u0219i durere m\u0103 lovea \u0219i \u00eencercam s\u0103 m\u0103 conving s\u0103 m\u0103 opresc, iar \u0219i iar, p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00een cele din urm\u0103 le\u0219inam. F\u0103r\u0103 profesori \u0219i f\u0103r\u0103 p\u0103rin\u021bi, f\u0103r\u0103 teme sau termene limit\u0103, zilele se \u00eentindeau amenin\u021b\u0103tor \u00een fa\u021ba mea, prelungind aceast\u0103 scen\u0103 macabr\u0103 f\u0103r\u0103 limit\u0103, zi dup\u0103 zi, s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 dup\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103. Eram profund speriat\u0103. Iat\u0103 o oportunitate la care visasem cea mai mare parte a vie\u021bii mele \u0219i o aruncam pe toat\u0103 \u00een cel mai inutil \u0219i umilitor mod pe care mi l-a\u0219 fi putut imagina. Ce era \u00een neregul\u0103 cu mine? De ce se \u00eent\u00e2mpla asta?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M-am \u00eentrebat dac\u0103 asta seam\u0103n\u0103 cumva cu ceea ce tr\u0103iesc alcoolicii c\u00e2nd beau alcool, iar g\u00e2ndul m-a umplut de o vag\u0103 speran\u021b\u0103 \u2013 auzisem de Alcoolicii Anonimi \u0219i eram sigur c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 existe c\u00e2\u021biva oameni \u00een ora\u0219ul meu care se cred dependen\u021bi de internet. M-am hot\u0103r\u00e2t s\u0103 caut o \u00eent\u00e2lnire \u0219i s\u0103 m\u0103 for\u021bez s\u0103 merg la una. Dar c\u00e2nd am c\u0103utat online, nu numai c\u0103 nu am g\u0103sit nimic \u00een ora\u0219ul meu, dar nici \u00een \u021bara mea, nici oriunde \u00een lume. \u00cen acel moment m-am sim\u021bit indescriptibil de dezn\u0103d\u0103jduit, confuz \u0219i singur. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vara s-a t\u00e2r\u00e2t, iar \u00een ultimele zile dinaintea \u00eentoarcerii la \u0219coal\u0103 m-am str\u0103duit s\u0103 adun ceva ce puteam demonstra \u00een ultimele luni. Munca mea a fost laud\u0103, dar a fost o victorie lipsit\u0103 de sens. \u00cen ciuda aparen\u021bei mele exterioare, eram b\u00e2ntuit de g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 \u00eemi iroseam via\u021ba \u0219i nu m\u0103 ridicam la \u00een\u0103l\u021bimea poten\u021bialului meu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M-am \u00eentors la universitate \u0219i urm\u0103torii ani au continuat \u00een mod similar, cu excese dureroase, epuizante \u0219i secrete care mi-au punctat s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2nile. Am \u00eencercat blocante, c\u0103r\u021bi de auto-ajutorare, exerci\u021bii fizice, suplimente, dialog interior pozitiv, dialog interior negativ, terapie, medita\u021bie \u0219i orice alt\u0103 strategie la care m-am putut g\u00e2ndi pentru a-mi opri comportamentele negative. Nimic nu a func\u021bionat. Dup\u0103 absolvire, am primit o alt\u0103 burs\u0103 care mi-a oferit trei luni de munc\u0103 independent\u0103, timp \u00een care nu am f\u0103cut dec\u00e2t s\u0103 derulez obsesiv pe re\u021belele de socializare \u0219i s\u0103 citesc \u0219tirile. Dup\u0103 ce banii pentru burs\u0103 s-au terminat, am ob\u021binut un loc de munc\u0103 excelent, de unde am fost concediat imediat dup\u0103 ce am ajuns la munc\u0103 \u0219ase ore mai t\u00e2rziu, st\u00e2nd treaz p\u00e2n\u0103 \u00een zori \u00een noaptea dinainte s\u0103 m\u0103 uit la televizor. O rela\u021bie s-a destr\u0103mat pentru c\u0103 nu am putut s\u0103-i acord suficient timp sau intimitate partenerului meu. Urm\u0103toarele rela\u021bii s-au destr\u0103mat \u00een acela\u0219i mod. Contul meu bancar a devenit o u\u0219\u0103 rotativ\u0103 \u0219i am \u00eenceput s\u0103 dorm \u00een ma\u0219in\u0103 pentru c\u0103 nu-mi permiteam s\u0103 pl\u0103tesc chiria. \u00centre toate acestea, consumul meu a devenit \u0219i mai nereglementat \u0219i excesiv. Fanteziile mele au \u00eenceput s\u0103 oscileze \u00eentre viziuni despre abandonarea oric\u0103ror ambi\u021bii de a-mi tr\u0103i restul vie\u021bii juc\u00e2nd jocuri \u0219i uit\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 la televizor \u0219i ilustra\u021bii mentale ale unor moduri crude \u0219i oribile \u00een care mi-a\u0219 putea lua via\u021ba. Rareori \u00eemi mai pl\u0103cea s\u0103 folosesc arme. Am \u00eenceput s\u0103 ap\u0103s v\u00e2rfurile cu\u021bitelor la piept pentru a-mi potoli anxietatea \u0219i c\u0103l\u0103toream spre poduri \u00een miez de noapte ca s\u0103 stau la marginea lor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00centr-un moment de disperare dup\u0103 o consumare excesiv\u0103 de jocuri video, am \u00eencercat din nou s\u0103 caut un fel de grup de sprijin pentru problema mea. De data aceasta am dat peste, \u00een mod miraculos, o comunitate \u00een Doisprezece Pa\u0219i pentru dependen\u021ba de jocuri video, cu \u00eent\u00e2lniri telefonice zilnice. Trecuser\u0103 ani de c\u00e2nd \u00eencepusem s\u0103 caut un astfel de grup \u0219i, \u00een sf\u00e2r\u0219it, g\u0103sisem un r\u0103spuns. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dar dup\u0103 ce am parcurs site-ul, am decis c\u0103 nu era pentru mine. A fost util s\u0103 citesc despre unele dintre instrumentele pe care le foloseau, dar trecuse aproape o s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 de c\u00e2nd m\u0103 oprisem din excese alimentare \u0219i chiar eram hot\u0103r\u00e2t s\u0103 m\u0103 opresc de data aceasta. Ultima mea exces\u0103 alimentar\u0103 fusese incredibil de dureroas\u0103 \u0219i hot\u0103r\u00e2sem cu fermitate c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 m\u0103 opresc cu orice pre\u021b. Eram \u00eencrez\u0103tor c\u0103 am terminat acum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

C\u00e2teva luni mai t\u00e2rziu, \u00een diminea\u021ba zilei mele de na\u0219tere, am le\u0219inat dup\u0103 70 de ore de jocuri video \u00eencontinuu. C\u0103l\u0103torisem \u00een ora\u0219ul meu natal pentru c\u00e2teva zile ca s\u0103-mi verific lucrurile din copil\u0103rie \u00eenainte ca mama s\u0103 v\u00e2nd\u0103 casa \u0219i \u00eemi f\u0103cusem planuri s\u0103-mi s\u0103rb\u0103toresc ziua de na\u0219tere cu restul familiei c\u00e2t timp eram \u00een ora\u0219. P\u00e2n\u0103 m-am trezit din le\u0219in, ratasem propria mea petrecere de ziua de na\u0219tere \u0219i mai aveam mai pu\u021bin de o or\u0103 p\u00e2n\u0103 s\u0103 plec la aeroport. Telefonul meu era plin de apeluri pierdute, iar camera mea cu gr\u0103mezi de lucruri dezorganizate. O greutate insuportabil\u0103 de ru\u0219ine \u0219i panic\u0103 m-a cuprins. Dup\u0103 ce am stat o vreme paralizat\u0103, am \u00eenceput s\u0103-mi scotocesc prin camer\u0103 \u00eentr-o frenezie nebun\u0103, arunc\u00e2nd la gunoi bunurile mele de o via\u021b\u0103, arunc\u00e2ndu-le doar superficial. \u00cen ultimele minute \u00eenainte s\u0103 plec, am \u00eengenuncheat pe podeaua camerei \u00een care crescusem \u0219i am \u00eencercat s\u0103-mi iau r\u0103mas bun. Am vrut s\u0103 pl\u00e2ng sau s\u0103 simt recuno\u0219tin\u021b\u0103 pentru casa copil\u0103riei mele, dar nu am sim\u021bit nimic. Dup\u0103 c\u00e2teva minute f\u0103r\u0103 rezultat, m-am a\u0219ezat la birou, am \u00eenchis ochii \u0219i mi-am promis c\u0103, dac\u0103 voi mai juca vreodat\u0103 un joc video, m\u0103 voi sinucide. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen seara urm\u0103toare am sunat la prima mea \u00eent\u00e2lnire pentru bursa de jocuri. Am gre\u0219it ora \u0219i am ap\u0103rut exact c\u00e2nd \u00eent\u00e2lnirea se termina, \u0219i eram at\u00e2t de nervos \u00eenc\u00e2t \u0219opteam. Doi membri s-au oferit amabil s\u0103 r\u0103m\u00e2n\u0103 \u0219i s\u0103 vorbeasc\u0103 cu mine, iar eu le-am explicat timid, \u00een generalit\u0103\u021bi abstracte, c\u0103 jucam prea multe jocuri. Dup\u0103 ce m-au ascultat cu compasiune, mi-au \u00eemp\u0103rt\u0103\u0219it propriile pove\u0219ti, m-au \u00eencurajat s\u0103 revin \u00een continuare \u0219i mi-au sugerat s\u0103 particip la o \u00eent\u00e2lnire \u00een fiecare zi. Am ascultat sugestiile lor. S\u0103 \u00eemp\u0103rt\u0103\u0219esc experien\u021be sincere \u0219i vulnerabile cu un grup de str\u0103ini proveni\u021bi din toate categoriile sociale m-a f\u0103cut s\u0103 m\u0103 simt inconfortabil, dezordonat \u0219i st\u00e2njenitor. De asemenea, s-a vorbit mult despre o Putere Superioar\u0103, ceea ce m-a nelini\u0219tit. Dar, dup\u0103 ani de secret, auzind alte persoane \u00eemp\u0103rt\u0103\u0219ind experien\u021be care oglindeau pe ale mele a fost ca \u0219i cum a\u0219 fi b\u0103ut ap\u0103 \u00een de\u0219ert, iar bun\u0103tatea, sinceritatea \u0219i bun\u0103voin\u021ba tuturor m-au f\u0103cut s\u0103 revin. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Spre deosebire de tot ce am \u00eencercat de-a lungul anilor, aceste \u00eent\u00e2lniri s-au dovedit a fi singurul lucru care a func\u021bionat. Nu am mai jucat niciun joc de la prima mea \u00eent\u00e2lnire. Abstinen\u021ba nu a venit pentru c\u0103 m-a\u0219 fi amenin\u021bat singur\u0103 - am f\u0103cut asta \u00eentr-un fel sau altul toat\u0103 via\u021ba. A venit pentru c\u0103 am putut \u00een sf\u00e2r\u0219it s\u0103 \u00eencep s\u0103 vorbesc sincer cu oameni care m\u0103 \u00een\u021belegeau \u0219i care, \u00een lumina \u00een\u021belegerii lor, \u00eemi ofereau iubire necondi\u021bionat\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

De\u0219i abstinen\u021ba de la jocuri a fost un \u00eenceput vital, restul comportamentelor mele online au continuat nestingherite \u0219i, la c\u00e2teva s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni dup\u0103 ce am \u00eenceput s\u0103 fiu sobri, m-am trezit obi\u0219nuindu-m\u0103 cu sesiuni lungi de vizionare a videoclipurilor cu... alte persoane<\/em> juc\u00e2nd jocuri. Mi-am dat seama c\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eendreptam spre probleme dac\u0103 continuam pe aceast\u0103 cale. Am luat leg\u0103tura cu al\u021bi doi membri care c\u0103utau, de asemenea, s\u0103 abordeze problema utiliz\u0103rii internetului \u0219i a tehnologiei, iar \u00een iunie 2017 am organizat prima \u00eent\u00e2lnire a Dependen\u021bilor de Internet \u0219i Tehnologie Anonimi. Am convenit asupra unei \u00eent\u00e2lniri s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2nale \u0219i am avut speran\u021ba c\u0103 aceea\u0219i libertate care mi-a fost acordat\u0103 de la jocuri se va extinde \u00een cur\u00e2nd la toate celelalte comportamente problematice ale mele legate de internet \u0219i tehnologie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Procesul nu a fost at\u00e2t de simplu pe c\u00e2t mi-a\u0219 fi dorit, ca s\u0103 spun cel pu\u021bin. \u00cen primele mele cinci luni \u00een ITAA, am recidivat constant. Sobrietatea mea se sim\u021bea ca o margine fragil\u0103 pe o pant\u0103 \u00eenghe\u021bat\u0103 de munte. \u00cencepeam s\u0103-mi verific contul bancar \u0219i, 16 ore mai t\u00e2rziu, m\u0103 trezeam \u00een mijlocul unei alte recidive teribile, \u00eentreb\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 cum se \u00eent\u00e2mplase. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dar nu am renun\u021bat \u2013 am decis c\u0103 voi face orice pentru a-mi g\u0103si vindecarea. Am \u00eenceput o a doua \u00eent\u00e2lnire s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2nal\u0103, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 sun regulat al\u021bi membri, am citit literatura de la alte comunit\u0103\u021bi de Doisprezece Pa\u0219i \u0219i am \u00eenceput s\u0103 \u021bin o eviden\u021b\u0103 a utiliz\u0103rii internetului \u0219i a tehnologiei. A fost o dovad\u0103 nobil\u0103 de d\u0103ruire. Apoi, la sf\u00e2r\u0219itul lunii noiembrie a acelui an, am decis s\u0103 m\u0103 uit la un film \u00eentr-o sear\u0103 \u0219i am c\u0103zut \u00eentr-o alt\u0103 nebunie teribil\u0103 de trei zile. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Din fericire, aceasta avea s\u0103 fie ultima mea perioad\u0103 serioas\u0103 de consum excesiv de droguri. Se pare c\u0103 f\u0103cusem suficient\u0103 mi\u0219care de picioare \u00eenc\u00e2t ad\u00e2ncimea acestui fund anume s\u0103 m\u0103 propulseze \u00een prima mea perioad\u0103 de sobrietate sus\u021binut\u0103. \u00cen primele luni ale noii mele libert\u0103\u021bi, am trecut prin sevraje. M\u0103 sim\u021beam ame\u021bit\u0103, furios, apatic \u0219i amor\u021bit. M\u00e2inile m\u0103 dureau de fiecare dat\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eencercam s\u0103 manevrez obiecte, iar picioarele \u00eemi erau ca ni\u0219te saci de nisip ud de fiecare dat\u0103 c\u00e2nd \u00eencercam s\u0103 merg. Dormeam prea mult sau nu puteam dormi deloc. Perioade nesf\u00e2r\u0219ite de plictiseal\u0103 insuportabil\u0103 erau punctate de extreme dureroase de euforie \u0219i depresie, precum \u0219i de impulsuri intense de a m\u0103 \u00eendrepta c\u0103tre dependen\u021ba mea. Am devenit dispus s\u0103 m\u0103 eliberez de toate a\u0219tept\u0103rile legate de ceea ce ar trebui s\u0103 fac sau s\u0103 fiu \u0219i s\u0103 pun recuperarea mea mai presus de orice altceva. C\u00e2nd nu am putut aduna nicio putere pentru a \u00eenfrunta ziua, mi-am permis s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eentind \u00een pat \u0219i s\u0103 pl\u00e2ng. C\u00e2nd am experimentat momente de euforie, m-am ferit de tenta\u021bia de a nu mai merge la \u00eent\u00e2lniri. \u00cen cele din urm\u0103, sevrajele au trecut \u0219i am \u00eencetat s\u0103 mai simt impulsurile constante de a consuma. Mi-am \u021binut capul plecat \u0219i am continuat s\u0103 \u00eencerc s\u0103-mi continui procesul de recuperare.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pentru o lung\u0103 perioad\u0103, a fost important s\u0103-mi schimb smartphone-ul cu unul cu clapet\u0103 \u0219i s\u0103-mi retrag conexiunea la internet de acas\u0103, astfel \u00eenc\u00e2t s\u0103 m\u0103 pot conecta doar atunci c\u00e2nd eram \u00een public. Mi-am \u0219ters toate conturile de socializare \u0219i am \u00eencetat s\u0103 mai citesc \u0219tirile, ceea ce oricum nu ajutase pe nimeni dintre oamenii despre care citeam. Am \u00eenceput s\u0103 tratez comportamentele tehnologice riscante \u0219i declan\u0219atoare ca lucruri de evitat cu orice pre\u021b. Am ajutat la ini\u021bierea mai multor \u00eent\u00e2lniri. \u0218i poate cel mai important, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 dezvolt o rela\u021bie cu o Putere Superioar\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen sf\u00e2r\u0219it am \u00een\u021beles c\u0103 Pa\u0219ii se refer\u0103 la o Putere Superioar\u0103 pe propria mea \u00een\u021belegere<\/em>. ... Chiar dac\u0103 cuvintele erau acolo, \u00een inima mea \u00eenc\u0103 mai credeam c\u0103 aceast\u0103 expresie se refer\u0103 la o Putere Superioar\u0103 pe care altcineva o \u00een\u021belege. Mi-am inventat un fel de \u201eom de paie\u201d \u00een minte despre ce era acea Putere Superioar\u0103 \u0219i am decis c\u0103 nu vreau s\u0103 am nimic de-a face cu ea. Colegii mei nu au spus niciodat\u0103 un cuv\u00e2nt care s\u0103 m\u0103 descurajeze - dimpotriv\u0103, m-au ascultat cu curiozitate, compasiune \u0219i acceptare. \u00cen cele din urm\u0103, mi-am dat seama c\u0103 m\u0103 luptam doar cu mine \u00eensumi. A trebuit s\u0103 accept simplul fapt c\u0103 exist\u0103 un univers imens de lucruri care sunt fundamental \u00een afara controlului \u0219i \u00een\u021belegerii mele. Am \u00eenceput \u00eencet-\u00eencet s\u0103 renun\u021b la influen\u021ba mea dominant\u0103 asupra lumii, av\u00e2nd \u00eencredere c\u0103 lucrurile \u00ee\u0219i vor urma cursul natural, ascult\u00e2nd \u00een acela\u0219i timp cu mintea deschis\u0103 experien\u021bele altora. Ast\u0103zi, practicile mele spirituale sunt piatra de temelie a \u00eentregului meu program de recuperare: m\u0103 rog \u0219i meditez \u00een fiecare diminea\u021b\u0103 \u0219i sear\u0103 \u0219i practic o abandonare \u0219i o \u00eencredere continu\u0103 \u00een ceva mai mare dec\u00e2t mine, pe care nu \u00eel \u00een\u021beleg pe deplin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen urm\u0103torii doi ani am avut c\u00e2teva gre\u0219eli. De fiecare dat\u0103 c\u00e2nd gre\u0219eam, m\u0103 a\u0219ezam \u0219i scriam despre ce s-a \u00eent\u00e2mplat, de ce \u0219i unde a \u00eenceput \u0219i ce schimb\u0103ri trebuia s\u0103 fac \u00een programul meu de recuperare pe viitor. Apoi i-am sunat pe al\u021bi membri \u0219i am vorbit cu ei despre asta, pun\u00e2nd \u00een aplicare sugestiile lor. Ultima mea gre\u0219eal\u0103 a fost la sf\u00e2r\u0219itul anului 2019 \u0219i, prin harul Puterii mele Superioare, am fost sobrietate continu\u0103 din 1 ianuarie 2020. Aceast\u0103 ultim\u0103 gre\u0219eal\u0103 urma s\u0103 fie funda\u021bia pentru trei noi piloni majori \u00een recuperarea mea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen primul r\u00e2nd, a trebuit s\u0103-mi recunosc complet neputin\u021ba. Aproape fiecare alunecare pe care o avusesem se \u00eent\u00e2mpla atunci c\u00e2nd \u00eencercasem s\u0103 iau o pauz\u0103 de la program. Dup\u0103 ce am tr\u0103it perioade lungi \u0219i solide de sobrietate f\u0103r\u0103 niciun impuls de a consuma, m\u0103 \u00eentrebam \u00een secret dac\u0103 a\u0219 putea s\u0103 m\u0103 retrag din program \u0219i s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eentorc la via\u021ba mea f\u0103r\u0103 angajamentul suplimentar al \u00eent\u00e2lnirilor, apelurilor \u0219i serviciului. De-a lungul tuturor experimentelor mele din ace\u0219ti doi ani, am primit \u00een mod repetat r\u0103spunsul la \u00eentrebarea mea: nu am reu\u0219it niciodat\u0103 s\u0103 stau mai mult de dou\u0103 s\u0103pt\u0103m\u00e2ni departe de program \u00eenainte s\u0103 recidivez. Ultima mea alunecare mi-a \u00eent\u0103rit dureros acest adev\u0103r. La fel ca sutele de mii de veterani din AA care au decenii de sobrietate \u0219i \u00eenc\u0103 vin la \u00eent\u00e2lniri \u00een fiecare zi, a trebuit s\u0103 recunosc profund c\u0103... a.m<\/em> dependent, c\u0103 nu exist\u0103 leac pentru dependen\u021b\u0103 \u0219i c\u0103 voi avea nevoie de ITAA pentru tot restul vie\u021bii. Nu sunt excep\u021bia de la regul\u0103 - \u0219i dac\u0103 sunt, nu mai vreau s\u0103 continui s\u0103 \u00eencerc s\u0103 aflu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Al doilea pilon major pe care l-am stabilit \u00een recuperarea mea a fost s\u0103 g\u0103sesc un sponsor \u0219i s\u0103 \u00eencep s\u0103 lucrez la Pa\u0219i. Anterior, considerasem Pa\u0219ii ca o resurs\u0103 op\u021bional\u0103, suplimentar\u0103, la care puteam apela atunci c\u00e2nd doream. Al\u021bii m\u0103 rugaser\u0103 s\u0103-i sponsorizez datorit\u0103 propriilor mele \u00eenceputuri de sobrietate, dar nici m\u0103car nu aveam un sponsor. Din nou, a trebuit s\u0103 renun\u021b la ideea c\u0103 a\u0219 putea fi excep\u021bia de la regul\u0103. Am g\u0103sit un sponsor experimentat \u0219i, la \u00eendrumarea lui, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 lucrez la Pa\u0219i folosind Marea Carte a Alcoolicilor Anonimi. Dup\u0103 ce ini\u021bial am privit nucleul programului nostru cu suspiciune, resentimente, nelini\u0219te \u0219i dezinteres, sunt at\u00e2t de recunosc\u0103toare c\u0103 am ajuns \u00eentr-un punct \u00een recuperarea mea \u00een care am devenit dispus\u0103 s\u0103 lucrez la Pa\u0219i - este dificil de descris c\u00e2t de transformatori \u0219i profunzi au fost pentru mine. Mi-au oferit un recipient sigur prin care am putut trece peste o mare durere \u0219i suferin\u021b\u0103 pe care le-am purtat de-a lungul vie\u021bii, din cauza abuzului sexual din copil\u0103rie, a dinamicii familiale disfunc\u021bionale \u0219i a unei serii de rela\u021bii toxice. Mi-am \u00een\u021beles ura de sine \u00eentr-o lumin\u0103 nou\u0103 \u0219i am reu\u0219it s\u0103 o las u\u0219or \u00een pace, \u00eempreun\u0103 cu dorin\u021ba de a-mi lua via\u021ba. Munca mea \u00een terapie a fost esen\u021bial\u0103 pentru acest proces \u0219i a trebuit s\u0103 m\u0103 bazez pe profesioni\u0219ti instrui\u021bi pentru a m\u0103 ajuta cu vindecarea. De asemenea, am avut nevoie de directitudinea, umilin\u021ba \u0219i vulnerabilitatea pe care le-au oferit Pa\u0219ii. Ace\u0219tia au fost esen\u021biali pentru abstinen\u021ba mea sus\u021binut\u0103 \u0219i pe termen lung.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Al treilea pilon a fost o nou\u0103 abordare a sobriet\u0103\u021bii. Uneori, \u00een recuperarea mea, navigasem printr-o re\u021bea bizantin\u0103 de linii de sus, mijloc \u0219i jos care se intersectau \u00een o sut\u0103 de direc\u021bii, cu planuri de ac\u021biune, jurnale de timp \u0219i suporturi de c\u0103r\u021bi echilibrate precar deasupra. De\u0219i aceste instrumente sunt profund utile pentru recuperarea mea, dup\u0103 ultima mea eroare am adoptat o atitudine mult mai simpl\u0103: folosesc tehnologia doar atunci c\u00e2nd trebuie. \u00cencerc s\u0103 men\u021bin utilizarea minim\u0103 \u0219i cu un scop \u0219i, \u00een general, evit s\u0103 o folosesc pentru divertisment, curiozitate sau pentru a-mi amor\u021bi emo\u021biile. Dac\u0103 m\u0103 abat de la acest principiu, \u00eel sun pe sponsorul meu \u0219i discut\u0103m despre asta. Aceast\u0103 abordare simpl\u0103 m-a plasat departe de st\u00e2ncile recidivei \u0219i pe c\u00e2mpiile largi \u0219i line ale senin\u0103t\u0103\u021bii. M\u0103 temeam c\u0103 aceasta va fi calea mai dificil\u0103, dar opusul s-a dovedit a fi adev\u0103rat din abunden\u021b\u0103. Ast\u0103zi \u00eemi satisfac nevoile de pl\u0103cere, relaxare, curiozitate \u0219i conexiune \u00een moduri offline, non-compulsive. \u00cen acest proces, via\u021ba mea a devenit de neimaginat de mai bogat\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A trecut foarte mult timp de c\u00e2nd mi-am mai trecut prin minte g\u00e2ndul \u201cNu m\u0103 ating la nivelul poten\u021bialului meu\u201d. Ast\u0103zi m\u0103 simt pe deplin vie. Capacitatea mea de a-mi petrece timpul lucr\u00e2nd la ambi\u021bii semnificative, care se aliniaz\u0103 cu valorile mele, a fost restabilit\u0103 \u0219i extins\u0103. Am dezvoltat rela\u021bii bogate, \u00eemplinitoare, \u00een care pot fi prezent\u0103 \u0219i vulnerabil\u0103. Precaritatea din carier\u0103 \u0219i finan\u021bele mele a disp\u0103rut. Pot s\u0103 am grij\u0103 de corpul meu cu odihn\u0103 adecvat\u0103, o diet\u0103 s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103, o igien\u0103 bun\u0103 \u0219i exerci\u021bii fizice regulate. Am acces la emo\u021biile mele \u0219i pot sim\u021bi fericire, recuno\u0219tin\u021b\u0103 \u0219i pace f\u0103r\u0103 reprimare sau compartimentare. De asemenea, pot sim\u021bi triste\u021be, fric\u0103 \u0219i furie. \u00cemi folosesc dispozitivele \u00een mod responsabil atunci c\u00e2nd este necesar, iar dup\u0103 aceea pot s\u0103 m\u0103 opresc. Nu mai trebuie s\u0103 m\u0103 ascund sau s\u0103 mint \u0219i pot respecta angajamentele pe care mi le-am stabilit cu mine \u00eens\u0103mi \u0219i cu ceilal\u021bi. Nu mai sunt consumat\u0103 de fric\u0103, m\u00e2ndrie sau ru\u0219ine a\u0219a cum eram \u00eenainte. \u00cen schimb, m\u0103 surprind ac\u021bion\u00e2nd cu senin\u0103tate \u0219i claritate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recent, am fost \u00een ocean \u00een timpul unei ploi u\u0219oare. Aerul era nemi\u0219cat \u0219i bl\u00e2nd, iar lumina cenu\u0219ie se filtra din cer. Gustul apei s\u0103rate \u0219i al apei dulci se amesteca pe limb\u0103, iar aerul rece \u00eemi umplea pieptul. Am stat nemi\u0219cat mult timp, st\u00e2nd \u00een ap\u0103, \u00een \u00eembr\u0103\u021bi\u0219area unei lumi vaste \u0219i lini\u0219tite care fusese dintotdeauna aici. M\u0103 a\u0219tepta de cealalt\u0103 parte a unei ferestre care m\u0103 desp\u0103r\u021bise c\u00e2ndva de via\u021b\u0103. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

PDF imprimabil C\u00e2nd aveam cinci ani, singurul televizor din casa noastr\u0103 era \u00een dormitorul mamei mele, \u00een capul sc\u0103rilor. \u00cen timp ce m\u0103 uitam, m\u0103 apropiam din ce \u00een ce mai mult, astfel \u00eenc\u00e2t ecranul \u00eemi umplea din ce \u00een ce mai mult c\u00e2mpul vizual. Uneori, \u00eemi puneam fa\u021ba chiar... Continu\u0103 s\u0103 cite\u0219ti Fereastr\u0103 deschis\u0103<\/span><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":35194237,"featured_media":0,"parent":9835,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"full-width-page.php","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","footnotes":""},"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16765","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nOpen Window – Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/internetaddictsanonymous.org\/ro\/povesti-de-recuperare\/fereastra-deschisa\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"ro_RO\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Open Window – Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Printable PDF When I was five years old, the only television in our house was in my mother\u2019s bedroom at the top of the stairs. 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